Simmons & Grif
by Mr. BramStoker
Summary: For as long as we could remember, there have been many successful duos in our great nation. Laurel and Hardy. Bebop and Rocksteady. Timon and Pumbaa. and now... two squabbling, loitering, bickering and just all around lazy Blood Gulch Reds Richard Simmons... and Dexter Grif. are they next in the duos of fame? only time will tell
1. The Intro

**Simmons & Grif's First Own Fanfic**

 **Chapter 1: The Introduction**

Hiya. I'm Simmons from the worldwide famed series Red vs Blue

And I'm Grif. I just lay around and do nothing

That's not what we're doing here today, Grif.

Oh? Well since you're such a kiss-ass, why don't you tell the readers what we'll be doing?

I think that's a great idea. You see, folks, over the past fourteen seasons, we've been primary characters for as long as we can recall

Nah, I pretty much spent all seasons sleeping inside my armor, smoking through my helmet…

WHAT? BUT-BUT… I THREW THAT OUT IN SEASON 2!

I happened to have a spare one.

Where'd you get it?

Uh….

Grif….

…Burbank? 

… you stole it from Tex, didn't you?

…Yeah

WHERE IS THAT LAZY COCKBITE AT? I SWEAR IF HE DOESN'T GIVE ME MY LIGHTER BACK, I'M GONNA BASH HIM SO HARD IT'LL BE LIKE RAGING BULL MINUS MARTY SCORSESE!

…

Boy, she definitely is NOT a nice lady

Yup.

I HEARD that, you nerd. Say that again and let's see if you can kiss up to Sarge with only your head and no extra body parts

….

Um….

Anyway folks, as I was saying earlier, we felt like we didn't get our own story arcs. So today, we'll be having our very own adventure fics I so smartly titled Simmons and Grif

Ohhh come on, that is SO lame

Oh it is NOT!

Yes, it is. Let's see… Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello, Bob and Bing, Tom and Meg, Tom and Katie, Demi and Ashton, Bebop and Rocksteady, Timon and Pumbaa, Sonic and Knuckles, Batman and…

DON'T. YOU. DARE. SAY. ANYTHING. ABOUT. THAT. MOVIE

….

Yeah, I'd agree with him Grif. The movie TOTALLY sucked

Yup. So that's the title?

That's the title

Any other characters?

I'm glad you asked dirtbag

*sighs* ohhhh God….

I'm gonna be makin some very quick uno momento cameos, or like some really hot zippy walk-ins. Hehehehe

And so am I!

Great, there's Donut

Hey! Don't forget me, assholes!

…EPSILON?

In the flesh, beeyotches

….we-we-we thought you were dead?

Oh for all that is sacred and holy, haven't you EVER forgotten the fact that I am a father hugging ghost?

….nope

Good.

Hey, there better not be any cameos from you know who

What? I don't know any… uh-oh

Bow chicka bow wow!

OK THAT'S IT! IMMA KILL HIM!

Uh-oh

Uh-oh

KARA! ALEX! A-A little help please?

….

Don't tell me; they headed to the break room?

yup

door locked?

Most likely

TEX, NO! EASY, TEX, EASY!

MADISON! GET THE SEDAGIVE!

Uh, guys, this, like, isn't Young Frankenstein, ok? Seriously

JUST GET ME THE SEDATIVE NOW!

…we'll be right back


	2. Not so Lonesome Road Part 1

**I don't own Red vs Blue or Fallout. All are owned by Rooster Teeth and Bethesda Software**

 **Simmons & Grif**

 **Chapter 2: the Not so Lonesome Road**

Simmons?

Yeah?

Ever wonder what we're doing out here in this wasteland?

Grif, I told you a dozen times, this is the adventure setting we've picked. We're doing the events of Fallout New Vegas, Fallout 3 and Fallout 4

Great. And afterwards, we head home right?

Wrong. Afterwards the readers will vote on what game crossover will be next.

Sighs, ok fine. Let's get this over with

That's better! Ok, uh, I think our first Fallout journey is… Lonesome Road

Huh? You're gonna leave me out there with man eating animals, weird creatures, madmen and exploding bombs?

No, dumbass, I'm going with you

But-but that defeats the purpose of why its called Lonesome Road

Well, that's the power of FanFiction Grif. You can basically break all the rules with writing!

Yeah, I guess. Well I know I'm gonna regret this but… let's go in

…

Well, so much for my anticipation

Yeah, I know. Nothing here but sand, wrecked cars, bombs, all kinds of useless lousy junk

Hey-hey, tha-that's a Deathclaw!

You sure? It looks like someone mixed one of the monsters from Gremlins with a big dumb animal

…I think you made it mad Grif

Pfft, yeah right? What's he gonna… AAAAAHHHHH

GRIF! YOU CANT GO BACK! WE GOTTA DO THE WHOLE THING!

SCREW THE WHOLE THING! I WANNA LIVE!

There! See, the thing's dead.

Really?

No, it's still breathing and it's very hungry for an orange flavored Grif nugget

That wasn't even close to being funny

Oh come on Grif, I'm messing with you, like always

Sure you are. Ok let's keep moving

Hey, check it out! The Deathclaw has new guns!

Wow! I immediately take back all my criticisms about this place

….

OK I CHANGED MY MIND I HATE IT HERE

Grif, it's alright! The Tunnelers are dead

Ok, then what the hell are all those squashed shells?

I dunno. Must've been their breeding eggs

Ok, seriously man, NOT funny.

…

Grif?

mmmm….oh yeah Joana, gimme some

Grif?

Ohhh yeah… that's the spot. Right in the Grifball

GRIF YOU LAZY BASTARD GET UP

AAAAAHHH! SARGE! WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' HERE?

Surprised? I just made my first of many cameos in this here story! Adios muchachos! And Simmons?

Yes, sir?

Be sure to keep messing with Grif. Oh and next time, make him run through that river up to the Fort bare naked

Ohhh you GOT it, sir.

I can still hear you guys, you know that…

LALALALALLAALA WE'RRREEEEE NOOOOTTTT LIIIISSSTEEENNNINNNNG

….

Ok, we're finally out and now… WHAT THE CRAP?

I think this must be where Ulysses wanted us to go to.

A silo? What the hell's a freaking silo doin way out in the middle of this bum-fudged land?

Seems like Ulysses built it to nuke either the NCR, the Legion or maybe…

What?

…

Simmons, come on what?

US

….ok that was obvious

Yeah, it sure sounded that way

Ok enough monkeying about, we got work to do

Whoa whoa whoa, hold on Grif

What?

You said monkeying about

I did. What's the big importance?

You remember when we got sent into the future and where you, me and Sarge had a secret meeting and…

Mm-hmm. I remember. I also recall you tricking me into investigating on the Blues and that bowling ball

EXCUSE ME? DO I EVEN LOOK LIKE A BOWLING BALL TO YOU KNUCKLEHEADS?

…Andy?

Yes, I'm BACK, beaches! I inhabited ED-E's body so I can "help" you two morons into getting outta here

Great. What do we get?

…you'll see. Now get the lead out, Ulysses doesn't like to be kept waiting

Simmons?

Yeah, man?

Why do I get the feeling we're being followed?

Grif, don't be ridiculous. There's positively NO WAY those natives could've tracked us all the way to Ulysses' temple

 **Tune into Chapter 3 when we see that for the first time GRIF WAS RIGHT!**


	3. Into Old World Blues we Go

**Simmons and Grif**

 **Chapter 3**

Phew. We're back…. In New Vegas. Phew. That. Is. The. LAST. TIME. I am setting foot in Lonesome Road

I think that should include me as well

Oh come on Grif, all you ever did was scream like a woman

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

…Donut?

mm-hmm.

Sighs, well good thing this is all over

Yeah.

Hey, what's that?

What's what?

That eye on the movie screen.

Kara, as I am a certified genius, I'm absolutely positive there's a logical explanation for this

Yeah, yeah speak English and figure out what the heck that doohickey is, will you?

You have no respect for knowledge do you Madison?

Nope. None whatsoever

Figures.

Uh…. Was it supposed to glow like that? As a matter of fact, why are we glowing?

Grif…. Try to put this in perspective. A glowing eye. A satellite. WHAT does it all add up to?

Uh…. A way back to Blood Gulch?

Wrong. Another mission

Oh goodie! Finally some excitement

Sighs. This is just great. Me, the nerd and the two wacko twins

Excuse me?

Alex, why are you aiming a knife at me?

Keep talking like that and you'll find out


	4. BMTL (Big Mountain Tomato Lettuce)

**Simmons & Grif**

 **Chapter 4**

 **BMTL (Big Mountain Tomato Lettuce)**

Ooohhh… where are we? Why does my head feel funny?

Grif, your head ALWAYS feels funny. It's because of that time you got knocked in the back of the head by Sarge

Yup, that's right! One more and I'd finally be rid of Grif! But nooo, those two wacko girls had to resuscitate him

And I helped!

Ahem, earth to characters; let's TRY to focus on the story arc, ok?

Yeah… wait… this isn't New Vegas

*of course not, dummy, we're in the middle of a huge wasteland crater inhabited by lobotomites, crazy scientists and artificial appliances*

Wow Lopez, your speech module's working better than ever!

*sighs… why do I even bother?*

Ok, ok guys, let's just understand that what we're in is very dangerous and anyone of these things can either maim or eviscerate you into French singers

I love French fries!

…

French fries? I don't get that

You didn't order any

…

Did you let Kara watch Muppets before bed again?

…*sighs* Yes

Ok, that's it, no more funny videos on YouTube for you

What the…. Hey! What are you doing?

I dropped my gum.

Hey! Lobotomite! Can you toss my gum up?

….

EWWWWWW!

Sick!

Gnarly!

CARLOS, YUCK!

Ok, will SOMEONE please get the Magic School Bus cast out of here?

On it

Hey, wait, what about….

Sighs. That's better

…you could've taken the blood out of your skull first

*we'll be right back after some maintenance and beating of Grif. The RSCPA wishes to apologize for the quality of that story and does not allow fishes to eat sausage, breadcrumbs, gazpacho…

Treacle tart!

*SHADDUP! Breadcrumbs, eggs and the occasional… HEY! WHO WROTE **THAT?!***

 **Grrrr**

 **SQUUUUIIIIIIDDDDDWWWWAAAAAAARRRRRRRDDDDDDD**


End file.
